Watch Out for the SmartFlu

The reason you haven’t heard from me lately is I’ve had a terrible battle with the flu. Judging from the CDC‘s Weekly Influenza Surveillance Report, that’s probably not a surprise to you.

With most states and territories ranked as having “widespread” outbreaks, its highly likely that you’ve probably had it or, heaven forfend, will get it soon. Even my never-get-sick-but-when-I-do-watch-out-cause-I-transform-into-a-3-year-old-baby husband got it this year.
You can read all about the 2011 Flu season at the CDC, which describes it basically as a ho-hum, run-of-the-mill, seasonal outbreak. Its what they don’t tell you, that concerns me. I’m not talking about a conspiracy, rather I have it on personal experience, that there’s something very, very weird about the flu this season. Of course, I don’t blame them. They are only going by information given to them. The CDC gets its information from physicians who have no way of documenting this whole new mutation of flu.
You hear reports of viral mutations every so often on the news (i.e. bird flu, swine flu, Hong Kong or h5N1) in which strains of the flu develop immunity to flu shots. MIT researchers, in following the flu, say that the only way to prevent this strain from causing “disastrous consequences” is by identifying the sequence of mutations. I have some bad news.
The flu has mutated with some kind of artificial intelligence. Perhaps the virus picked it up from the traits of the many victims who are uninsured professionals with geek tendencies such as myself. These uninsured, intelligent individuals know that there’s no “cure” for the flu once you’ve got it and so there’s no reason for a doctor’s visit. All you can really do is drink plenty of fluids and wait it out.
This new flu, which I’ve named the SmartFlu, sent out the smartest ones in the bunch to infect those least likely to contact a physician thereby changing the rules of the CDC/MIT researchers’ game. You can’t track what you don’t know about.
None - This image is in the public domain and ...Image via WikipediaThese smart little devils, having artificial intelligence, also seem to have picked up the ability to determine the most opportune time to infect its victims. Just when you’ve signed a major contract, picked up a new client, started a class, cracked open a long-awaited book, and/or any other time-encompassing ventures, that’s when the SmartFlu strikes forcing you to throw all plans out the window and lie in a trance-like state while it has its way with you.
So, the next time you’re out hobnobbing around and run across a particularly brilliant individual, just think twice about shaking their hand.

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